Monday, October 30, 2006

Does It Matter Who Wins?



The midterm elections are fast approaching. It looks like the donkeys may take the house and the elephants may take the senate. The elephants have the white house and Rush Limbaugh is sitting in his chair doing the watusi mocking a parkinsons victim Mr. Fox. It seems like a real life enactment of the book Animal Farm. No matter who wins the world and the United States will still have tons of problems.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

LPGA Sending Delegation to Pyongyang



Like David against Goliath, like Rocky Balboa against Ivan Drago, like Birdie Kim against Morgan Pressel it appears that little Kim Jong Il has dealt the knockout punch to the Republican congress. The announcement from Pyongyang that North Korea was now part of the mile high club seems to be the straw that will break the GOP camel’s back in November. Kim saw that he could not rely on Hillary Clinton or Nancy Pelosi or Barbara Boxer or Harry Reid to capitalize on Bush’s blunders and so he took matters into his own hands. He went one on one with Karl Rove. It’s like George Costanza dressed as Napoleon in a mud wrestling contest with Mini Me, winner take Asia.

The root of this entire scenario was Jessica Simpson announcing to the world that Nick Lachey was less endowed than Kim Jong Il. This was the straw that broke Kim’s back. Kim is like a child seeking attention. The attention may be negative but at least the child becomes engaged in interaction, which beats loneliness any day. In Nick Lachey’s latest song “What’s Left of Me” he sings “I'm half the man I thought I would be, but you can have what's left of me.” What’s half of 3?

To put it bluntly North Korea is starving to death. Their county of 23 million people recently went through terrible flooding. Starvation is always an excellent motivation for the starving tribe to attack the neighbor tribe for their land. North Korea has a 1 million man army and nuclear weapons. South Korea and Japan are two of the most prosperous countries in the world. The reason that Kim is making the US the bad guy when they don’t even seem to be anywhere near or in the conflict is because the Americans have troops in South Korea and in Japan armed to the teeth with 100 megaton nuclear bombs. The firecrackers set off by North Korea this week were less than 25 kilotons. The Long Range missile fired by North Korea a month ago wouldn’t have made it over the pond at 17 at the Player’s Championship. In other words Kim is holding two seven off suit pre flop and he’s betting like he has pocket rockets. Kim is hoping to flop a pair of sevens and a deuce and here is how he can come from the back of the back like Seattle Slew.

The Persian Gulf has two thirds of the world’s black gold. Shiite President Ahmidinejad of Iran is now forming an alliance with the Shiite government of Nouri al-Maliki of Iraq. All they need to conquer the Middle East oil fields and then the world for Allah is nuclear bombs and their arms dealer is Kim Jong-il who in return for a nuclear arsenal is going to receive 20% of the Arabian Peninsula’s oil revenues for the next 50 years, and a membership at the Dubai Creek Golf and Yacht Club. Kim drives a hard bargain, like Nick Lachey.

In the meantime Japan, America’s best friend which bombed Pearl Harbor is now going to impose sanctions on Kim. They are going to stop importing Korean clams and shiitake mushrooms. Like Kim cares. He’s now exporting kim chee to Venezuela and Iran. If the LPGA delegation on its way to Pyongyang tonight with 18 Kims fails in its diplomatic mission to bring calm to the Korean Peninsula then Tatoo may soon be standing outside the White House screaming, “Boss the plane, the plane.” Welcome to Fantasy Island. Kim is about to become Jethro Bodine.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Foley Mania



The members of the House of Representatives sit in the House with their laptop computers. They are passing a bill authorizing another $400 billion to be sent to Iraq for the express purpose of slaughtering another 40,000 innocent Iraqi babies, infants and toddlers. They consider this moral, but the whole country goes into Lewinsky mania over some guy sending some instant messages to an 18 year old because the 18 year old is an American. Meanwhile Dennis Hastert is instant messaging some 18 year old kid in Iraq. Hastert: "We're spending another $400 billion dollars to drop bombs on your little brothers and sisters." Babylon18: "Why would you do that?" Hastert: "Because 5 years ago we thought that your President had nuclear bombs." Babylon18: "Did he?" Hastert: "No." Babylon18: "So why are you bombing my little brothers and sisters back to the stone ages?" Hastert: "Don't blame me, I had a glass of wine for dinner."